THAT Thing.

I'm going through some of the stuff I've wrote over the last year, keeping what seems exceptional and getting rid of what is unnecessary. I just reread this, went 'hmmm', and so I'm putting it in here. I went through some very dark, emotional times but somehow God has pulled me out and into a better place. I still have some pretty terrible days sometimes but I have a lot more hope.
Cole.


Right now my head space is really messed up. I feel like crying and throwing a fit, I feel upset and angry. It’s probably because I’m tired. I am tired. I don’t feel well and everything irks me. I want to be by myself, but I also want to feel comforted. I know that some of the thoughts I think are toxic, but right now I almost don’t care. A huge part of me wants to do it, to step onto that downward path and see it through. But at the same time that urge is contradicted by the good sense God gave me. I know that it’s wrong for me to think or even consider doing it. But right now, in this state of mind, I feel bad and I need a scapegoat. It makes me wonder if we’ve all got a monster. If we’ve all got that something that is shielded by darkness and offers it’s hand to us when we start to feel down. That sly, deceptive comforter that promises to give us the little something we believe we need to get through. For some people it’s drugs or alcohol, for others a blade to cut the pain away. Some people consume food, some throw it up. Still others find distraction in arms that are untrustworthy or the appeal of a chance with high stakes. Whatever does it; whatever gives us that momentary rush and helps us add yet another layer of scar tissue over the wound that will not heal. The pain that is not diminished. And yes we are selfish. Too proud, too foolish to consider tearing away the layers and facing the thorn that is wedged firmly into our flesh. So we let the pain continue. We let things hurt and further irritate our already inflamed wound and turn to our gentle monster for our momentary relief and the long term scapegoat we need to mask the pain. So, I guess the question is do we give in to these, our gentle tormentors, whose palms are soft and fleshy, whose nails slice like knives. Or do we stand to face the root of the issue and turn it on it’s head? The answer is all at once obvious; but at the same time elusive in nature.

Why 'Shelter With Fire'?

I suppose I should give my reasons for naming this blog as I have. I borrowed the phrase 'shelter by fire' from an old song called 'This Road'. The song speaks about our life's journey and God's steady faithfulness as we seek to follow him. It's a song about sacrifice. About laying our lives down daily for the sake of Jesus Christ. I personally relate it to the sacrifice and passion of Christians who have been martyred for their faith.


The phrase 'shelter with fire' appears in the chorus of the song. I had listened to the song for years but when I heard it the other day that phrase stuck out and caused me stop and dwell upon it's significance. What does it mean to be 'sheltered by fire'? Fire is hot, it burns. We use caution when we are around fire for good reason; fire is dangerous. In the song fire is refered to as a safe place, a shelter. When we look into scripture we discover the intent behind the phrase. Gold is tested by fire. It is heated until all the impurities are burned away. We, like gold, are being purified. When we feel the heat of the fire around us we can endure it gladly knowing that God is refining and purifying us.


These last few years the fire has been especially hot for me. While I can be encouraged by the reminder that God is for me and he will complete the work he has started in me it doesn't completely disguise the fact that I'm in the fire. Life gets tough, I start to show my true colours and, at times, discouragement is an easy alternative to joy. I intend to write about me, my life and how God is teaching me that my life is so totally not intended to be about me. Since that means there will be moments where I'm reveling at the glory of the burning bush mingling with moments where I will be applying salve to my burns I thought the name, 'Shelter With Fire', was appropriate...


Cole.


This Road

All heavy laden
Acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow
Carry us home
From alabaster
Come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion
Joy from the truth


Grant the unbroken
Tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition
Only for you
May sin never hold true
That love never broke thru
For God's mercy holds us
And we are His own


This road that we travel
May it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from you
All the day
Shelter with fire
Our voices with raise still higher
God gave us peace and grace from you
All the day thru.

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Testimony.

I was introduced to God by my parents and I gave my life to Christ when I was 5. I have always been very passionate and determined to live my life for God. That drive inspired me to ’do’ a lot of things. I started a Bible study at my high school, I spoke boldly about my faith and I put a lot of time into loving some very unlovable people. I was driven by good intentions but I was doing things out of my own strength and by grad I was worn out. Lately I’ve spent a lot of quiet time with God. He’s been teaching me about confidence, grace and his undying love. I never realized how huge those three topics were until God began to speak to me about them. At first glance they appear to be really simple and to be completely honest that's because they are. But it's their simplicity that makes them so unique and wonderful. Growing up in a Christian household there is one phrase that you hear again and again and again; Jesus loves you. You hear it so often that the words become automatic. Unfortunately familiarity with a phrase is not the same as familiarity with the real divine love of God. When you encounter the love of God you are never the same. It changes every part of you. You can't be the same, it's just not possible. When you understand that God loves you everything must change. And until you truly know that God loves you, you can't live the abundant life that God desires for you to live. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. God loves us with a perfect love but we tend to go through our comfortable routines and live our lives tainted by fear and if only's. God has been speaking to me about this a lot. I tend to dream crazy dreams, I imagine that God can do big things in my life and I think about the idea of a life lived to the fullest with a large smile on my face and a heart that protests and accuses me of impracticality. God calls me on it every time. When I make a comment about how awesome it would be to do this or that and follow it up with negative remarks and doubt, God shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Why not? Am I not God? I can do that.' And I've struggled with that. I've struggled to trust God and believe in his love for me. I've struggled to know and constantly remember that God is good. His very essence is good and he gives only good gifts. I don't have to worry about being cheated or destroyed when I'm dealing with God. I can go before him fearlessly.That's a big deal and it's harder to learn and accept than it sounds.
So that's a little bit about me and what's going on in my life right now. More will come, in fact it's already on the way, but not tonight.

Cole.